


Never Strong

by Punkyybear



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Caleb trys to comfort him, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fjord Needs A Hug, Fjord doesn't like himself very much, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, if not good on you, if you want it to be romantic go for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-01 07:38:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18331577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punkyybear/pseuds/Punkyybear
Summary: this is set sometime way after ep 56. No real references. They're just in a nice Inn to finally get some rest and relaxation. And no direct romance. But if you want to see it that way then go for it.





	Never Strong

**Author's Note:**

> this is set sometime way after ep 56. No real references. They're just in a nice Inn to finally get some rest and relaxation. And no direct romance. But if you want to see it that way then go for it.

The Inn was gorgeous. The floors shined under them and the sound of soft music echoed softly. It wasn't exactly ornate or extravagant by any means but it was still a large step up from their normal setting. It was a two-story building that seemed fairly new to the town. The wood looked almost untouched. On the walls were many paintings and tapestries. The works of art being of gods or symbols that represented the history of the town.  As the group stepped in, Fjord immediately melted under the smells coming from the room to his right. It smelled of freshly cooked meats and wonderful spices that he really only smelled when Caduceus had a chance to cook. Along with the music, people can be heard softly chattering and laughing. The atmosphere was welcoming and alluring, pulling the group's feet forward on instinct.

After a soft inhale, Caduceus smiled and spoke in his usual soft voice that fit perfectly into the atmosphere of the Inn. "Ah, that's a wonderful greeting, don't you think"

The group wordlessly agreed by nodding their heads and looking around the place. Fjord turned to take in the reactions of the group. Jester had her normal cheery smile on and he noticed her tail gently swaying with the music. Beau had a smile on her face as well. More relaxed then Jester but a happy smile nonetheless. Yasha still seemed a bit on edge, her usual stature, but she had a slight smile on her face. Nott looked almost like she was drolling, which made Fjord chuckle quietly. Caleb was similar to Yasha. Still reserved as a default but his shoulder seemed less tense the usual and there was a faint hint of a smile on his face. Fjord was pleased that the others seemed to feel as pulled as him. 

A young looking tiefling women with greyish skin and white flowing hair approached them with a smile. She was wearing a white silk dress that was fitted to her curves by the help of a red ribbon tied around her waist. Her smile was inviting and she walked with grace. 

"Hello," She started as she approached the 7 of them, stopping when she got close enough. "Welcome to The Lions Arms. How may I serve you this evening?" She asked, putting her hand together in front of her. 

"Ah yes hello, Pleasure to meet you," Fjord spoke first in his normal southern drawl. The women smiled at him as he did, turning slightly to shift her attention to the half-orc male. "We'd like to buy a few rooms for the night. And dinner as well if possible."

"I believe that can be done. How many rooms would you like?" She responded, glancing over the whole group. "I don't think we could accommodate for 7 rooms for one. But we do have rooms bedding up to 3." Fjord turned to the group.

Caleb looked up at Fjord. "If we get 2 rooms of 2 and 1 group of 3 then that covers us all." He suggested

"Oh! But if we do a girls room then we can just do 2 rooms of 3! Nott is small enough to fit with one of us!" Jester said in her normal cheerful accent. The girls all seemed pleased with this idea. Caleb huffed a little under his breath. Still not fully used to being split from Nott when it comes to rooming but he has gotten closer to his male compatriots and seems more comfortable than usual.

Fjord nodded. "Good point." He said and switched his attention back to the tiefling in front of him. "2 rooms of 3, please." He suggested.

The women smiled and pulled out a small book from her pocket along with a pen. Humming for a moment before looking back up at them. "That will be about 10 gold pieces. 13 with dinner included."

Fjord nodded and the group spent a few minutes talking about paying. Nott ended up paying 6 gold. Beau and Jester both paying 3. And Fjord paying the rest. Once the coin was gathered Fjord passed it to the Inn keep. She put it into her pocket, marking a few things in her book before slipping it back in the pocket it came from. 

"Well if you follow me, I'll lead you to your rooms. You are welcome to all the pleasantries. Showers included in that," She started as she began walking up the stairs, the nien following her, "If you need anything in the duration of our visit just come and speak to me. We offer companionship, drinks to your room, a wash of clothes, robes, towels, and any other reasonable request can likely be accounted for. All we ask is an hour after sundown that you keep quiet. That is our resting period." She ended her statement there.

As they all stepped onto the staircase, they took in more of the design of the Inn. The stairs did not creek under their feet and the railing was cool to the touch. It was made of silver. Beautiful in its craft. Fjord grazed his fingers over the engravings that rested in the shiny silver. Seemingly hand carved symbols of a lions face and mane. The music from downstairs slowly fell softer. Not silent but softer. The smell shifted from the heated spicy smell of fresh food to the smells of flowers and steam coming from many rooms. The smell was strong yet pleasant. Fjord assumed it was from the showers. The idea of being able to wash off all the dirt and grime that has been collected over the weeks made him weak at the knees once again. The others seeming to have the same feeling as the smells shifted. 

With only a few steps their rooms were reached. The doors wooden with a small silver plate resting in the middle, engraved with numbers. 

"Here we are," The tiefling women spoke again whilst pulling 2 keys from her pocket. "And here is your keys. If you need me at all tonight, I should be right downstairs. If I am not. Simply as for Lady Maylu. Have a wonderful evening."

The group collectively said a thank you as the women stepped back down the stairs and out of their view. 

"This is so exciting!" Jester said cheerfully, her tail wagging with excitement. "We get to finally relax! And we can even wash off! We picked an amazing place." She continued, seemingly more to herself then the group but either way everyone agreed with her. It had been months since the group was able to rest peacefully. To wash out the dirt from their fingernails and simply just be. It was actually a struggle to remember the last time they had this opportunity. 

Fjord opened the door for his male compatriots, the redheaded wizard and the tall firbolg looked around as the stepped in. Fjord closed the door before doing the same. It had a similar aesthetic to the rest of the Inn. Not extravagant but fine and beautiful. The beds looked as if they were covered in silk sheets. Unlike most higher-end places, the bedding was not white. It was a deep blue color, similar to a few of the painting around the walls. The pillows were lined in a golden looking fabric. There was a separate room that led to a bathroom. A quite large one at that. Again, the idea of rubbing off all the grime from his skin was pulling him into want. 

Not long after the nien took a moment to marvel at their rooms, they gathered again. Deciding that they all needed a wash of clothes. Cad was the one who stepped out and requested for it. A young looking eleven women came to their room, setting a basket on the floor. She also brought some clothes for them to wear around. It was really just a soft pair of pants and a robe but it was quite nice since they wanted to eat very soon. They all went into the separate bathroom one by one to switch out clothes. They weren't sure if Cad or Nott would have clothes since it's not common for inns to have their size but surprisingly they did. The women came back in took their clothes. She was about to leave before beau on instinct made a comment on her attractiveness. The women blushed a bit and smiled at her, complementing her as well and turning to leave. Beau seemed proud of herself.

After some talking they decided it was time to eat but as some of them were eager to shower. A plan was made that one person from each room showered whilst the rest of the party ate downstairs and when one joined them another person would go and take their place in the showers. Fjord was eager to call first, Beau calling first in her group. They all agreed and the other 5 walked down to get dinner. 

Fjord quickly stripped and rested his borrowed clothes on the bed. With impressive quickness, he turned on the shower and stepped in. The hot water slipped down his blue and green skin rapidly. Fjord felt himself drift for a moment. The hot water relieving some stress in his shoulders and back. He ran his hands through his salt and pepper hair, gently grazing his nails against his scalp. He took time to rub off the dirt and some blood from his skin and scalp. He started to feel clean.

The mood was calm and relaxing in the silence. Nothing but the rush of water echoing in the room. This mood shifted a bit when Fjord came to himself more. He got himself clean and was smiling until his gaze shifted down. He was now looking at himself. His stomach and legs were shown to him. It had been a while since he was out of his clothes. Out of his heavy shape covering armor. He felt large yet incredibly small at the same time. As if he was the wrong kind of large. His stomach not going straight down and his thighs slim without any curves of muscle. He felt something deep in the pit of his stomach. A horrible mix of sadness and disgust that slowly built in his gut. He felt his shoulders fall and the atmosphere turned from relaxing to cold. So much had been happening that he had forgotten the emotion he felt so much as a kid that he was just to busy to deal with now. He looked to the side to view his arms. Not large but not slim with no muscles bulging through. He didn't understand. He had been fighting so much. Running so much. Not eating a lot. Yet he was still scronny. He wasn't sure if that was the right word. He felt fat yet incredibly small and weak at the same time. He wondered if he was using spells too much. Not using his sword enough. Not working his arms out enough. He reached up to feel his tusks. They were growing back. Not fully grown yet. He had a constant urge to pick at them. Cut them off again but he knew it would upset Jester.

With a heavy and sad sigh, he turned the water off and stepped back out. He dried himself off, listing all he could be doing that was keeping him so weak in his head. Once he was dry, he put on his clothes again. He took heavy and long footsteps to look at himself in the mirror, trying to shrug off the deep dark gut feeling that seemed to physically hold him down. He looked at himself for a moment and fixed his hair before his hand dragged down his jawline. Again. Slim. His cheekbones were very apparent. It made him look even slimmer. Every little thing about him seemed off. The tusks growing didn't seem to fit. Orcs were strong, large, and fearless. Fjord sighed and thought to himself. He was never strong. Never large, and truly never fearless. 

"I just don't fucking get it!" He growled to himself. "No matter what I do. I'm weak." He sighed. He could fear tears welling in his eyes. He shook his head and pointed to himself in the mirror. "Toughen up for fuck's sake! You're supposed to be half-orc right? Not...well, not this....." He felt defeated now. "There no hope for me is there." He whispered as he looked at himself, looking at every imperfection and scrutinizing it. He wasn't sure how long he had been up there but he was glued to the mirror. In the same kind of way that you can't look away from a disaster. Fjord felt the gut feeling grown deeper and darker. Now it felt like it was moving to his head. His hands were shaky as he stood in front of his reflection.

-

"God where is Fjord?" Jester huffed "Beau and Nott have already taken their showers. What's taking him so long." She said with a pout as she continued eating her food.

"Maybe its the salt build up," Beau said with a smirk that lined her face. This got a laugh from the other girls. Cad didn't really seem to understand the joke. Caleb was wondering why he was up there still. It had been more than enough time to thoroughly wash off. He hummed to himself.

"Caleb why don't you go check on him. You too have been like super close lately" Jester said, leaning up against the table. Her voice had the normal tone that she adopted when she was teasing a person. She had a smirk on her face and Caleb noticed her eyebrows moving up and down.

Caleb tilted his head. "I don't know if you could call it 'super close' but yes I've grown more fond of him?"

Jester giggled "How fondly, huh?" Her grin grew wider. Caleb shuffled a bit in his seat and she rolled her eyes. "Jeez! I'm joking around with you. But like. Seriously you should go get him. He's taking _forever_ " 

"Ja, I suppose I should get him out. He needs to get food before resting hour anyway, um..." He stood up and pushed his chair back into the table. "I will be back shortly," He said and started to make his way to the shared room.

"Don't have too much fun, Caleb!" Jester said with a giggle following it. Caleb just glanced at her, a bit confused about the sudden suspicion of the two. He ignored it and continued walking. He admired the crafting of the railing as he went up and glanced at some of the paintings on the wall. As he approached the door he heard Fjords voice, no rushing of water. The words seemed angry but he could not really make out the words. Worry started to flow over Caleb as he opened the door, closing it gently as he stepped inside. It was then he could make out the words.

"Why? I just...fucking hell, I hate this" Was what Caleb was greeted to. This made him raise an eyebrow for a moment. He didn't seem to be speaking to anyone. Caleb hummed softly to himself as he made his way to the spare room which the door was open. Caleb saw Fjord looking in the mirror. His brows curled up in a mix of emotions. Seemingly a mix of angry and sad. His eyes were puffy and watery. Caleb felt more worried as he stepped into the room.

"Fjord?" He said softly yet that was enough to make Fjord jump out of his skin.

"Holy- fu- jeez" Fjord stammered out, holding his heart after he flinched from the sudden presence of another person. "You scared the hell out of me Caleb," He said, a bit out of breath.

Caleb bit his lip "Oh um... I'm sorry I startled you. I was coming to get you... you've been up here for quite a long time, Fjord" 

Fjord froze for a moment. "Oh... well, um, I'm sorry for staying up here too long. Just got a bit lost in my head during the shower is all. You can... you can take my spot now. Enjoy yourself, ya?" He said with a weak smile that even Caleb could see through. He began to walk away but Caleb put a hand on his shoulder.

"Fjord. What is the matter?" Caleb stated. It came out a bit sharper then he intended but he hopped Fjord was around him enough to catch the worry. There was a long pause, Caleb looking at Fjord but Fjord looking to the ground. Caleb broke it. "I heard what you were saying. Or part of it. And your eyes are puffy. Your upset. Bottling it up will only make it harder...Trust me. I would know."

Again there was a long pause before a sigh came from Fjord and he looked back up at Caleb. A few tears have escaped at this point. "Can we sit down?" He whispered softly. Caleb nodded and let go of the half-orcs shoulder. The two walked to the deep blue beds and sat, slightly tilted so they were facing each other. Fjord stayed silent for a minute or two. Caleb let him speak when he was ready. He hesitantly reached out to put his hand overtop Fjords. He wasn't uncomfortable with physical affection but he was new to it. He and Nott tended to hug or hold hands as a form of comfort so he had been testing the waters of doing it with others. Fjord just nodded and Caleb relaxed, placing his hand over Fjords and rubbing his thumb along the green and blue skin.

"Caleb I..." He sighed and kept his gaze at Caleb's hands. Caleb kept looking at him, not rushing him. "Well... I've never really liked myself. You've heard a bit of that when we brought up the teeth... or um, tusks I guess. It goes deeper than just my teeth. its... It's my legs. My arms. My stomach. My chest. My fingers. My face... It's my everything." He reached up his other hand and whipped his eyes. "I've felt this way since I was a kid. That I was not strong enough or brave enough. Just not orc enough I guess. I don't really know how to explain..." He seemed to be searching for the right words

"Take your time, Fjord. I'm not rushing you" He said softly. Fjord slowly looked up at him and nodded before turning away again. Caleb kept his gaze.

"It's like..." He started once it seemed he gathered his thoughts, "It's like im both too large and too small at the same time. That doesn't make any sense but it's like I'm the wrong kind of large. Yet I also feel puny and weak. I'm not strong. I'm just....I'm just Fjord. The small and puny half-orc. I was teased all my childhood for being orcish and then when I'm around orcs I'm too small. I'm not enough for anyone. Not human enough to be human. Never strong enough to be an orc. Whenever I see myself. I get this feeling. Deep in my gut. I dont know how to describe it but it brings me down, brings tears to my eyes and just makes me want to slip into nothing."

The room fell silent as Fjord started crying. Not sobbing but the tears seemed like they couldn't be held back. Caleb squeezed his hand tighter and began to speak.

"Well. Firstly. I'm glad you spoke about it. It's not easy to talk about your feelings. Especially if it's an inner struggle and I also know truly nothing I can say can switch how you feel. Self-hate... is not anything that can slip away by a few words from a friend. But at least I hope to put a bandage on the wound at the very least." He squeezed Fjords hand once again and with that Fjord looked up at him. "In our eyes, your strength, your muscle, whatever it is you fear you lack, that does not matter to us. You do not have to an orc with us. Or be a human with us. Just like Nott is not a goblin. Jester is not a tiefling. And so on. Nott is Nott. Jester is Jester. Fjord is Fjord. I can't change what the world says about your race. Be it from humans or orcs. I do not have that kind of power but I can assure you there is none of that here... We are not our past or our race. We are us and that is why we stick together. It is also okay for you to express these feelings. It hurts but we can try out best to help it hurt less."

With those words, Caleb saw Fjords eyes get wetter and he tried to hold it back but he couldn't. Caleb was sad to know he was hiding so much but truly most of the group holds some emotion in that eventually breaks.

"Would you like a hug Fjord?" Caleb asked softly. Fjord choked a little on words and nodded. Caleb let go of his hand and wrapped two arms around Fjords neck. Fjords arms went to Caleb's waist, clutching him tightly with shaking hands. Fjords face dug into Caleb's shoulder as he cried silently. Caleb held him as he did, not saying a word. He could feel the man's hands shake on his sides.

The hug lasted a few minutes. Slowly Caleb felt his crying soften and his hands stabilize but they still held the embrace. Caleb felt the muscles of Fjords arm against him. It was strange to think that Fjord didn't see them. Yet he knew something of the sort. He didn't read much on psychology, that wasn't his interest. He read many different things in his free time and he remembered reading of a dysmorphic disorder. Where the person had a morphed perception of themselves. He could not diagnose obviously but he wondered if that was what was at play here.

"Your grip is strong, Fjord," Caleb said after a few minutes of silence. A small laugh came from Fjord and he could feel a smile form on the half-orcs face.

"Thank you, Caleb," Fjord said as he began to pull away from him. Caleb released is hold on him and rested back on the bed.

"It's truly my pleasure. You have many shoulders to cry on if you need that. Remember that okay?" Caleb smiled at him gently as he spoke and Fjord smiled back with a nod. They kept that for a few moments before Fjord slowly stood up. 

"Well, I better go get something to eat before rest hour. Treat yourself to a shower alright?" Fjord stated and took Caleb's hand to help him up. Caleb nodded and ran a hand through his ginger curls.

"I will. Enjoy your dinner, it's quite nice. Just... well prepare for some questions coming from Jester." This struck a laugh from Fjord. A laugh that was genuine and happy. It made Caleb smile wider.

"Will do. Thank you, again. I feel a lot better."

"Its never a problem, Fjord."

With those words, Fjord stepped out of the bedroom. Caleb sighed softly and began to slip off his clothes. A happy smile on his face as he started towards the shower. Pleased to know he had helped Fjord. He hoped he could continue to do so.


End file.
